There is this commercial for Tom’s of Maine. Not actually a product made by Tom’s of Maine, just the company itself, about how they’re such nice people. I know, they’re probably actually nice people. But when they spend 2:47 minutes of ad space to tell me just what great people they are … well, I can’t help wondering at a few things.

Like, look, first they lay out their four corporate core values in little squares, one at a time. Like this:

… human?

Was that a question? It’s like adding “I am not a witch” to your list of core corporate values.

And then later on, after about a minute of rambling about how they’re so generous, this crypto-apology comes out of nowhere: “… and while we haven’t always made the best decisions, we’ve always had the best intentions …”

The best of intentions? Which roads have they been paving?

And at the end, after asking for community involvement, a screen pops up with text that says:
“Together we can be an unstoppable force for good.”

But the voice says:
“Together we can be an unstoppable force … for good.”

Now, I’m not saying Tom’s of Maine is run by aliens who are pre-emptively apologizing for crimes committed in their effort to create an unstoppable army of socially conscientious toothpaste. I’m just saying, why isn’t Glenn Beck looking in to this?